“I love the smell of neoprene in the morning!”

My time as a Divemaster (Trainee) (DM/DMT) at DTL September 2009

The story begins in the Netherlands, at a wedding on one of the islands. My wife and I meet a great, lovely and most of all “bulak” couple that live in Timor Leste (TL). As all four of us know very few people at the wedding we’re bound to spend some time together, resulting in me coming to TL four weeks later, leaving my wife behind back in Amsterdam.

Being talked into doing a project for the WorldBank and doing my DM(T), I arrived in July for this fantastic opportunity. And what an episode it would turn out to be. I was warmly welcomed by Marianne, introduced to Dimittri and some Italian-Belgian guy named Gabriele, whose girlfriend was also here at that point in time and at that point in time he still seemed civilized. I met Simon, co-owner of my next home Castaway, and Mark-I-have-a-zillion-ideas-and-why-can’t-we-do-all-of-them-right-now-Mialszygrosz, the owner of DTL and co-owner of Castaway.

In the beginning the days were relaxed, although there was some pressure on my becoming a DM asap. I was shown around, had a lot to drink (illustrated by Marianne’s famous text message to Maarten after only three days’ stay and one Thursday night in Motion “What did you do to my staff?”), and learned a lot. I did my guiding, my skills, my mapping, my assisting and my theory. But after a week my course slowed down. More customers were coming, and the initial 10-day plan became three weeks. This was a good thing as I encountered interesting and fun customers along the way…

During my DMT, Gabi and I took a group of students out for their first open water dive. Exciting indeed! Right up till the end, when the most macho guy of the lot (sturdy, muscled, big mouth) came up to the surface and started puking his guts out. Thanks for that. Not knowing that this would become a returning theme in my dive experiences.

Two days later. Early morning; I forgot my wetsuit - I am just not a morning person. Second dive, I forgot someone else’s wetsuit – I am not an afternoon person either. So I found it time to call it a day. Wrong. Let’s do the scuba review (doing 20 scuba skills, instructor style) with three instructors from HELL. Think of everything you can do wrong in assembly and skills, and then add some. I cannot nearly describe the funniness of those few hours, but think of weight belt under your wetsuit, constantly having your mask and snorkel in at the surface and asking questions -creating an amount of dribble you could bathe in-, fighting under water, continue swimming with your head against the wall without a mask…And this was in a controlled environment, with instructors. More real students and customers would come. And in all honesty I love all of them. They are the ones that made my time here a fantastic one. I had (and still do) so much fun with them, during the day, in and out of the water, and during the nights, eating, drinking and partying. But as always, some you love more than others. But the “others” also tend to leave an impression, not soon to be forgotten…

After being certified I took out a snorkeler who could not swim, but had snorkeled two or three times before. Sleazily I had scheduled her with Gabi, but somehow the booking had gone bad and it backfired on me. So I took her out, and you can imagine how I was looking forward to it – snorkeling with a lady who cannot swim. Great! I gave her a BCD and inflated it, took her into the water and held her close. It took about half an hour before she was relaxed and could release the grip of my arms, on which I still have imprints to this day, put on her mask, only to throw it off again straight away. But we were making progress. After another 20 minutes she could leave her mask on for more than a minute, actually put her face in the water and let go of me for three seconds. Mind you, she had a fully fully fully inflated BCD on, floating on the surface from her waist upwards. I skipped putting on her fins, but judged it to be best to take her along and guide and hold her myself. It was getting lunchtime and I was getting hungry. Was… We were finally snorkeling, when she pushed me under. While holding her, I swam away, but even with my arms that means bound to only one meter or so. “What’s wrong?” She replied in that manner where words become useless...she puked. Twice! On me! Why? What did I do wrong?! Fortunately after that, she was feeling better and wanted to continue snorkeling. Fortunately she had no fins on and I could lead her back to the shore. Where she puked again. “Feeling better? – Yes!” And a fourth time all over my brand new DTL t-shirt, whilst muttering the words, “We did not see much coral did we…”. What do you expect with such murky visibility?! Isn’t being a DM great? Where was this in the training or in all these PADI videos on becoming a professional, a leader and “Diving is FUN”? What did I miss?

And this was only snorkeling. Nightdiving with divers for the first time is also a fun experience; not holding a torch hence shining it everyone’s eyes while explicitly instructed not to do so, someone being so close to your own fins that you cannot kick anymore because you are afraid you will kick off her mask, severely scratching your legs on rocks while saving a customer from falling down – what we DMs all do for our customers ;-).

But also just during day dives a lot can happen. Saving a USD 1000,- video light from the deep blue, and still waiting for that case of beer. Girls whining as their masks don’t suit their wetsuits (color wise that is). Someone with over a hundred dives in thirty years, pulling out a mask from 500 B.C., which resembled a helmet more than a mask and then putting his BCD upside down on his tank (“when was your last dive again?”).

Or taking someone diving who has been certified, and done a few dives after that, but has never dived without holding the instructor’s or DM’s hand (who has certified this person?). We went in and then she said “I am somewhat afraid of water and swimming.” Good timing! But we managed to go down, and come straight up again. “No my dear, the mask should go OVER your nose completely, not ON your nose. That is why it is leaking underwater”. No worries, we all make mistakes. Finally we hit 12 meters depth. Nad then it happens. She pushes herself up straight (I am holding her hand, yes yes), I look at her with all my calmness that I can find at that moment (whilst I know something is going to happen, I don’t know what but I won’t like it), and yes…she grabs her regulator out of her mouth, throws it away, and tries to puke (I am getting afraid that I have that effect on women). I catch the reg, grab the back of her head and shove the reg back into her mouth. “Breathe!” Difficult with so much water in the reg. She wants to go up. So do I. Only the pace in which we want it differs slightly; rocket versus nudibranch. I am able to control the ascent, and back at the shore, she states “I shouldn’t have done that, right?”. No shit Sherlock. I love being a DM!

And then finally, you don’t have to be actually diving to make a fool of yourself or get hurt pretty bad. I should have realized that being in a country where the average height of man is about three quarters of my own, that rooftops, doorposts or boat rooftops are built slightly lower than back home. Not so low that you can actually see it, but just low enough to smash your head into it three times in 2 hours, smash a pair of sunglasses and hit your forehead so hard that you actually fall down like in a cartoon; first horizontal in the air, and then land flat on your back. So that is why there is a big sign right next to the pillow attached to the roof saying “ FOR LANKY DUTCHMEN”. And even though I am lanky and weigh next to nothing, it seems quite hard to hang up the hammock in such a way that it can actually carry a lanky Dutchman. Indeed, sometimes it is painful to be a DM.

But most of all it has been fun! It has been FANTASTIC! Thanks to the local staff for all their help, any time. Thank you Mark, for the ideas, fun, Injun food, and good advice. Thank you Marianne, for your paternalism, guidance and a very steep learning curve. Thanks to Dim and Sato, for their diving along, fun and putting up with me. Thank you Simon for letting me grow my beertap at Castaway and not throwing me out every now and then.

I owe so much thanks to all customers for the above stories, but most of all for the brilliant fun I had with them during my time here at DTL as a DM(T). All the beer fines we have received and still are to receive from so many of you, the attendance to my snorkeltest and poolparty thereafter, all the dives and boattrips, and all the nights at Gion, Motion and so many other places!

But most of all thanks to Maarten (and Annabella) for making this all possible, bringing me over here, embracing me like family and having excellent times together – diving or drinking. And Thank you Gabriele being less civilized than you seemed at first, collecting all these beerfines with me, for taking up the challenge to get me certified, spending with me the best of times, and mainly being my mentor and friend through these difficult times .
“I love the smell of neoprene in the morning!”
Roger – the lanky Dutchman –